As an Enneagram researcher, one of the most common questions I am asked is What Personality Type is Best for My Type?
That’s not really a thing! No two Types are a “best” match. The unique dynamics at play in each Personality Type pairing draw out different elements from within. That’s why relationships are so impactful – they show you hidden aspects of yourself you never knew were there.
However, when you observe the relationship between any two Personality Types, there do end up being some very predictable dynamics. You may label these dynamics “problems,” or you may see them as opportunities for growth. Either way, navigating intimacy takes open-heartedness and finesse.
Having said all that, there do seem to be some common trends among Personality Type pairings. Let’s take a look at some typical matches and their usual dynamics.
Types 8 & 9
THE LEADER/BULLY and THE HEALER/SUBMISSIVE
These Types are quite opposite from one another, yet are a very common couple. This has to do with the power dynamics – Type 8s want to be in charge, and Type 9s totally don’t want to be in charge, so it starts off swimmingly. However, over time this can bring out the worst in one another. The Type 8 can find their companion too childlike and helpless, bringing out anger and contempt. The Type 9 feels unsafe and trapped, leading them to utterly withdraw and shut down. For this relationship to thrive, The Type 8 must become more allowing, sensitive and respectful, and the Type 9 must become more expressive, decisive and present.
Types 1 & 7
THE ARCHITECT/JUDGE and THE UPLIFTER/HEDONIST
This is another common pairing among opposites. The Type 1 is the most self-disciplined and serious, and Type 7 is the most spontaneous and playful. Yet they often complement each other well. The Type 1 helps ground and stabilize the Type 7, and the Type 7 gets the 1 to lighten up and take it easy. But that only happens if they are able to maintain a healthy respect for their very different perspectives. More commonly, a lot of judgement and frustration can build up. The 1 can find the 7 “too flaky” and irresponsible, leading to harsh words or the silent treatment. And the 7 can find the 1 too uptight and rigid, leading to petulance and escapism. For this relationship to thrive, the Type 1 must let go of “the shoulds” and accept things as they are, and the Type 7 must slow down, focus, and step into their full integrity.
Types 3 & 6
THE LUMINARY/PRETENDER and THE GUARDIAN/ALARMIST
This common match is your classic “power couple,” where the Type 3 pursues higher income and status through prioritizing their career, and the Type 6, in support of these values, takes on most of the daily operations at home. Often these marriages last a long time, but there can be unhappiness below the surface. These shared values are rooted in scarcity and survival, so neither helps the other expand into joyfulness. They live at a hectic pace, can be apart quite a lot, and much goes unsaid. It can be more a partnership of the mind but not the heart. For this relationship to thrive at a deeper level, both the Type 3 and the Type 6 must become willing to lower their tough defenses and connect in vulnerability and tenderness.
As you can see, a lot of what draws us to one another is happening at an unconscious level, but it slowly becomes evident in a relationship over time. That’s why relationships are our most powerful teachers. Yet if you are willing to open your heart and humbly receive the lesson – it can grow you like nothing else can.
Love is enlivening, love is enriching, love is empowering. There is nothing more delicious to our soul than connecting in love and light. Yet it takes much maturity and vulnerability to fully receive its gifts.
If you are in a romantic relationship, consider it with fresh eyes. What is your Personality Type, and how much has it actually been playing an unseen role in your love life? Instead of focusing on the faults of your partner, consider whether your differences are actually showing you something about yourself that needs healing. Adopting this perspective can bring about surprising transformations for you both.
If you are not currently in a relationship, consider taking this opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with yourself. The more complete and fulfilled you feel within yourself, the more you will attract others who agree you’re wonderful – and many other examples of abundance!
To learn more about your Personality Type, and those of your loved ones, check out my book YOUR VITALITY PERSONALITY – DECODE THE REAL YOU AND HACK INTO HAPPINESS, available at yourvitalitypersonality.com.